


Once the darkness washes off, She moves into my arms

by OneLessTraveledBy



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/F, Fighting, Fluff, Love, MajorAngst, Octaven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 20:08:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9674162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneLessTraveledBy/pseuds/OneLessTraveledBy
Summary: Picks up three months after 4x02. One-Shot. A few months have passed since everyone found out about the end of the world. While working hard to find a solution, Raven and Octavia have found comfort and solace in each other. However, the weight of their feelings and unspoken truths are eating Raven alive while Octavia would rather ignore them all. Raven finally has enough and begins a painful and healing conversation with the girl that has shaken her entire world up.Angst, humor, and a lot of love.No real spoilers of Season 4, I went off on my own journey.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song "I Shall Cross This River." by The Black Atlantic. Enjoy.

Raven was tired.

She was so tired that she didn’t even try to hide the painful grimace that slid across her face as took another step down the hallway.

_"Three more steps and I’ll make it to my door.”_ Raven thought quickly, taking a deep breath and another step forward.

_Two more steps and I’ll make it to my door._

_One more word and Monty won’t make it through the night…_

Waving his hands theatrically, Monty remained ignorant of Raven’s internal grumpiness and continued talking a mile a minute.

“I just think if we spent more time looking through the data on the building of the nuclear plants, we may have something more to go on when Bellamy and Clarke get back from Ice Nation. A.L.I.E must have spent time looking through th−”

Turning around as quickly as her braced leg would allow, Raven put a hand on Monty’s chest and gave it a hearty shove. If she had more energy she would do more than roll her eyes at his dramatic wince and the way he rubbed his chest.

“Monty, I love you and I know we only have 3 months left until the entire planet melts us and everyone we care about but if you don’t shut up and let me go to sleep…” Raven trailed off, letting her half-hearted glare speak for itself.

Monty opened his mouth to argue but hesitated when he saw the bead of sweat on Raven’s brow and her obvious exhaustion. They, along with a team of volunteers, had been working tirelessly to prepare the Ark while also finding a way to save the world for hours on end. Between the both of them, they spent more hours glued to keyboards and mechanical structures than anyone, the price of being one of the few trained engineers. But there was more to Raven’s issues than just the lack of sleep. For the sake of her ridiculously fragile pride, he refrained from commenting on the obvious pain Raven’s leg was bringing her lately. She would always linger under her computer desk, pretending to work on a broken wire or a failing mainframe but he didn’t miss the way her leg was spasming underneath her. He tried to do as much of the physical work as possible but Raven always sensed his intentions and made it a point to get everything herself. If she wasn’t so important to the cause, he would force her on bed rest or send her to the medbay like Abby kept trying to do. But like Raven, he knew surgery or rehab was pointless if they didn’t save the world first.

They may all be dead soon anyways.

So instead he put his right hand to his forehead to salute her goodnight and started walking back to the computer labs. He wanted to try a few more searches before he knew Harper would come in and drag him to bed as well. It was with her and everyone else in mind that he started thinking of algorithms and radiation poisoning statistics.

Before he disappeared, Raven threw a labored goodnight his way and opened her bedroom door with a hard pull. It was one of the more spacious rooms on the damaged Ark, once used as a guard’s office. Other than a basic bed, desk, chair, and a few computers she used for programming, her favorite feature was the large window that stood as tall as she was in the corner of her room. It was high enough to the ceiling that she had a great view of the stars. With time quickly running out for them all, she definitely didn’t take the view for granted.

Which was why she was especially annoyed that there was a person sitting on her windowsill, blocking her view of the sky.

Ignoring them for the time being, she eased herself onto her chair and groaned at the sharp twinge that ran down the side of her leg. Feeling a painful cramp coming on, her fingers worked quickly to remove the brace and release some of the tension. With practiced hands, she had the brace off in a matter of minutes and began massaging her leg through the pain. 

“Can I help?” came the voice from the window.

“Only if you brought me a new leg or a time machine.” Raven replied, her attention still focused solely on her leg.

“I don’t have either but I do have two extra hands.”

Pushing off her arms, Octavia jumped down from the window and rolled off her shoulder to a standing position, all in matter of seconds.

“Show off…” Raven muttered, her fingers grazing over a sensitive area under her knee. The muscles seized painfully in response.

Octavia ignored her comment and walked behind Raven’s chair, slowly pushing it all the way over to the bed and pausing in front of it. With quickness Raven wasn’t prepared for, Octavia placed her hands underneath Raven’s legs and lower back and picked her up swiftly before placing her delicately on the bed. Under normal circumstances, she would tear Octavia a new one for treating her like she wasn’t capable of climbing into her own bed but she was in too much pain to protest. She settled for an angry grunt and crossing her arms over her chest is instead. Unfazed, Octavia plopped down at the bottom of the bed less gracefully, and lifted Raven’s bad leg onto her lap. Her hands ghosted on top of it, waiting for Raven’s permission before touching her.

_A little late to ask for permission now, Blake._

Raven gave her a quick nod anyways and closed her eyes as soon as she felt Octavia start to move. Calloused hands worked the muscles of Raven’s limb, a familiar ritual between them whenever Raven’s leg was acting up. Which was just about always these days. Octavia knew what areas needed more pressure than others, like the underside of her calf that always tensed when she had to stand longer than ten minutes. She also knew where to touch more tenderly like the areas where Raven’s brace always cut into her, no matter what adjustments she made to it.

Raven didn’t try to contain her appreciative moan when Octavia soothed a particularly sore spot on her upper thigh. Octavia knew it was a sensitive area and not always in scary, painful way. Sometimes touching it made Raven make happier, less painful noises. Usually because Octavia’s lips were attached to it, humming against her skin in a way that always made her shiver.

Even with her eyes shut, Raven knew Octavia was smirking. She was even more confident in her assessment when nimble hands started veering away from the top of her thigh and towards another delicate part of her.

Clearing her throat, she opened her eyes and corked an eyebrow at Octavia who tried to look as innocent before grinning and lifting her hands in silent surrender.

“Sorry, wasn’t sure where else you needed massaging.”

_Cocky little bitch.”_

“Get a new line, Blake” Raven complained, pulling her leg slowly from Octavia’s lap and moving into a sitting position against her headboard. Her leg protested immediately. The pain never truly seemed to leave her but it now fell into the “tolerable” column of pain that Raven had come to accept as her new norm.

Octavia scooted closer to Raven, facing her with her legs crossed and elbows propped on top of them. With her chin resting on her hands, Octavia looked less like a badass warrior and more like the teenage girl she still was. They were less than an arm’s length apart now.

Raven allowed herself the time to take her in now that they were facing each other. She had a new cut on her forehead that looked poorly stitched up, probably by her own hand. A large bruise peeked out from the bit of shoulder that was showing underneath her clothes. Knowing Octavia, there were a lot more underneath. Raven noticed more and more raised scars each time they were together. She spent many times over the last few weeks pretending that they weren’t a reminder of how close a sword or spear was to taking Octavia from her.  


All in all, Raven was happy to see Octavia again, but she was also tired. And not just from sleep deprivation.  


She was tired of the superficial bubble the two of them had placed themselves in the past two months. The one where they ignored the outside world and pretended that nothing else existed outside of the room.

Their room.

They pretended that the world wasn’t weeks away from ending. That Raven’s leg wasn’t getting progressively worse each day. That Octavia’s weekly disappearances didn’t involve a band of assassins and countless dead bodies. That Raven didn’t spend large parts of her day wondering if her thoughts were her own or a lasting remnant of A.L.I.E. That the minutes Octavia spent ignoring her brother weren’t becoming longer than the time she may have left with him. That they had actually formed a real, healthy relationship built from sporadic visits where made each other laugh and had lots and lots of sex. Good sex, great even. Laughing when Octavia thrusted herself off the bed, sex. Trembling for minutes afterwards sex.

“I thought your job was going to keep you away longer than three days.” Raven said casually, her eyes lingering on the cut above the other girl’s eye.

“We finished early. I wanted to be with you” Octavia replied with a smile, her hands reaching for Raven’s.

Octavia didn’t like talking about where she went or the missions she just completed. If she wanted, Raven could almost pretend Octavia had a normal 9-5 job where she occasionally had to go out of town. But then she would also have to ignore the not so normal times Octavia would wake up in a panic, her arms always dropping Raven roughly before reaching for a weapon that wasn’t in reach.

Thankfully.

Raven was no better. She would wake up in the middle of the night, almost always screaming. Nightmares were easy to console when they weren’t also memories. Sometimes it felt like A.L.I.E. never left. It was hard to admire Octavia’s brute strength when she was using it to hold her down while she thrashed in her sleep.

They had fallen into a routine the past few months. Octavia would always stay a few days a week before leaving, often before Raven woke up the next day. Eventually she would return and…repeat.

Returning to the present, Raven let the comfort of their handholding strengthen her briefly before speaking.

She was done pretending.

“I’m sure the many grieving families you left behind are appreciative of your timeliness.”

Octavia dropped their hands like she had been burned.

“Don’t start Raven. Please.” Octavia muttered darkly. Sensing the shift in mood, Octavia pulled herself off the bed and across the room to Raven’s desk. Leaning against it, she stared at the wall above Raven’s head, refusing to look her in the face.

Raven knew she could turn back now. She could apologize to Octavia and open her arms. Octavia would protest and climb back in bed angrily, pretending she would rather be anywhere else. Raven would kiss her gently and Octavia would kiss her aggressively in return. Raven would swallow all the angry words Octavia wanted to say and let her hands speak all the kind ones she wanted to hear instead. They could both wake up the next day sore but happy. But then Octavia would leave again and Raven would just hurt.

“Am I supposed to act like you don’t spend your days killing people left and right while the rest of us are trying to keep everyone alive? I mean really Octavia…why do you even bother killing anyone? We’ll all be dead in a few months anyways.” Raven voiced, her eyes never leaving Octavia’s.

“You know that’s not what I’m doing. I’m trying to help people too.”

Raven snorted loudly.

“What the actual fuck, Raven? I’m not killing people for the fun of it. You know that. Or at least, you should!” Octavia growled, throwing her arms in the air angrily. 

“Oh, I DO know. You’re just killing people in the name of justice. Righting wrongs, and all that other bullshit you tell me and yourself.”

Octavia began to explode.

“I can’t believe you….” Octavia murmured to herself before raising her voice. “You know what? Fuck you Raven! I wasn’t raised with the entire Ark at my fucking disposal. I didn’t sit next to you in astrophysics or partner with Jasper in Earth skills. I spent every day of my life under a metal floor, holding my breath as long as I could because even my breathing sounded too loud. I had to lie still for hours and hours, pretending the sound of pipes underneath me were the voices of friends I never had. I spent sixteen years in a single room with only two people and another year in a cell by myself. My first night behind bars, the guard told me he helped toss my mom into space as he handed me my dinner plate.” Octavia spat angrily, hot tears running down her face.

Raven felt her eyes well up too, her heart breaking for Octavia. 

“What skills do I have Raven?!” Octavia continued. “I don’t know how to code like you or Monty or know how to fix the people that are literally blowing away. I can’t fix clan tensions like Kane does or get the King to follow me around like a puppy like Clarke. I’m doing the one thing I am actually good at…the only thing really. And yeah, you can call it justice. And sure, call it fucking vengeance too. It’s all the same to me. But I also call it peace of mind. Because that’s what I’m giving to all the families that have someone rotting in the ground while their killer walks free. I’m making sure that the bad people don’t live longer than the good ones deserve to.”

It hurt Raven deeply to see Octavia still affected by all her past traumas. The constant threat of death and mayhem they found themselves in since the day they arrived only forced everyone to bury their feelings, not get over them. There just wasn’t enough time to grieve, especially now. 

Even as she stood rigid, looking furious with words meant to cut and hurt Raven, Octavia looked beautiful. But they hadn’t gotten to the root of the problem between them. It wasn’t getting to the fear that was eating Raven alive before the radiation would eventually.

“Stop lying to yourself Octavia…and to me. Maybe in the beginning you thought you were only helping people. You avenged Lincoln by killing Pike. You avenged Indra by killing the people that carved down stakes and crucified her. You walk around villages with your dead squad and avenge widows and childless parents. You’re the judge and the jury. But really? You’re not killing just because you’re good at it and you think you’re helping people. You like it. And maybe you don’t want to help us save the world because hey, that’s the biggest bloodbath you could ever be a part of. Even if it kills you too.”

“You should stop talking about things you don’t understand. It was stupid of me to think that you did.” Octavia said slowly, the threat in her tone very apparent.

“Especially if it kills you too.” Raven finished, her eyes glistening.

Octavia took a small, calculated step closer to the bed, her arm reaching for the hilt of the small sword on her left hip. Her overly calm demeanor was anything but reassuring. Raven briefly thought this might be the Octavia that men saw before they felt the cut of Octavia’s blade on their neck.

Fixing Raven with a heated gaze, she repeated, “Stop. Talking. Now.”

With a confidence lingering on stupidity, Raven kept going.

“You aren’t going on a bunch of killing jobs. You’re going on one very long suicide mission. And the thing…the thing that makes you most angry? Isn’t how easy and effortless it is for you to kill or how much you hate unpunished murders. You’re just pissed that no one else is good enough to actually kill you instead.”

With a move quicker than Raven’s eyes could follow, the sword crossed the trek of Octavia’s hip and impaled itself straight into Raven’s headboard. One centimeter away from Raven’s left ear.

They stared at each other in tense silence, both breathing heavily.

Something dripped on Raven’s shoulder and she broke their stare down to glance at the splatters of red on her shoulder.

Her blood.

Lifting a hand to the side of her head, she winced at the pressure and pulled it away, wiping the blood on her pants.

Octavia looked frozen in time, her hands gripping the empty hilt at her side. Her eyes bored holes into the small cut on Raven’s ear. 

Snapping out of it, Octavia quickly ripped a piece of her sleeve off and tossed it on the bed, too afraid to go near the bed.

“Not sure when the last time you washed your shirt was but I’m going to avoid adding an infection to my list of medical problems, thanks.”

Octavia broke her gaze and turned her attention to the door, gesturing to it slowly.

“…I should get Abby. Or Jackson. Or−“

“Can you just stay?” Raven asked quietly.

Octavia looked like that was the last thing she wanted to do in that moment.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sor−“

“Just come here, Octavia.” Raven gestured to the empty space beside her, waiting patiently until Octavia began approaching the bed.

“Be careful, there’s a sword sticking out of the headboard.” Raven mentioned casually, trying to lighten the moment.

Octavia laughed awkwardly, the pitch too sharp and loud to sound normal. The second she reached the bed, she burst into tears.

As quickly as she could, Raven scooted over to her and grabbed her arms, pulling her in closely.

This wasn’t just an apologetic cry or leftover anger. This felt way more serious. Heavier. It sounded like it was coming from the soul. Raven felt each shuddering breath shake Octavia’s small frame as she sobbed.  
Raven just held her tighter, whispering nonsensical words.

It felt like hours before Octavia was able to calm down her breathing, the tears falling down at a slower pace. Octavia’s face was nestled in her shoulder, the dampness of her shirt in the cold room made Raven shiver slightly.

“I should have said it like this. You scare me Octavia. And not just because you have the ability to make me “the girl with one ear” and not just “the girl with the limp.” You scare me because you act like you have nothing to live for. Like the only thing you are putting at risk is yourself. I know that Lincoln…” Raven trailed off, gaining strength when she didn’t feel Octavia tense up at the sound of his name like she sometimes did.

“I know that he was the love of your life, your guru into finding out who you are and all that lovey dovey stuff. And I would never and could never replace him. But I…I have to mean more to you than the girl you stay with when you’re in town. The girl you leave in an empty bed in the morning after you make her come so hard she sees more stars than she did the day she went into space. And if I don’t mean more to you than that…you better tell me now because I’m not going to waste whatever time I have left on someone that doesn’t feel the same way I do. I deserve more than that, Octavia. I want to stay alive for you...so I need you to want to stay alive for me.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Octavia not moving and Raven continuing to stroke her arms.

Feeling Octavia mumble something on her shoulder, Raven steeled herself for further heartbreak and pain.

“Can you say that again? Preferably not in my shirt?”

Pulling herself off of Raven’s chest, Octavia looked into her eyes and spoke again.

“I said, I love you.”

That wasn’t what Raven expected to hear.

If Octavia was expecting a grateful and happy response, she wasn’t going to get it.

“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it ‘O. I’m not so desperate for your attention that I’ll fall for false platitudes.”

“I do.” Octavia repeated, her voice sounding stronger. “I do love you.”

“Then why−“

“I’m scared. Everyone I’ve ever felt an attraction to or fell in love with…is dead. Atom. Lincoln. And sure the list isn’t that big but when you’ve only been around people outside of your family for less than a year, it isn’t that small. It’s huge.

“Well, if you want to compare love lives…”

“I’m being serious. I’m no good, for anyone. I’m angry…constantly. I spend so much time fighting that I even do it in my sleep. I don’t know how to forgive and definitely don’t forget. I−“

“You also snore loudly in your sleep and take all the covers, even when I have my own blanket. You eat the food off my plate, even when I know you don’t like it. You leave your weapons on the floor so many times, I’m surprised I have any toes left.”

Octavia gaped at her.

“You also know when to hold me when I have a nightmare and when I need space to be alone. You make me sit down when I don’t want to, even when my leg is five seconds from collapsing. And you do that thing with your tongue that always makes me forget my own name, even when you say it over and over when I finally put my fingers in you.

Raven actually laughed out loud when she saw a crimson shade appear on the smaller brunette’s face. She loved that they still had the capacity to blush.

“We all have faults Octavia, and if anything, our past should prove to us that life is short. Actually, we can literally prove that life is short right now. And worrying about the little shit, is just a waste of time. Especially when we’re going to become human sandcastles any day now.”

“That’s not funny.”

“I know.”

“What are sandcastles?”

“I guess it really wasn’t funny then.”

“Raven….”

“Say it again, Octavia. Please.”

Octavia trembled as she dipped her head and nuzzled at Raven’s neck for a few minutes before telling her she loved her again.

“Prove it.”

“How?”

“Be here when I wake up.”

Octavia tightened her arms and mumbled a tired “okay” against Raven’s neck.

“You’re going to have to speak up, I only have one ear.”

Octavia groaned loudly.

“I love you too ‘O.”

Fin.


End file.
